Episode 33: The One with the Spy
The Chief calls, just as Dick, who has finished reading the entirety of Encyclopredia Britannyca (not to be confused with Encyclopædia Britannica) is calling over Johnson, who had been ice fishing. After some trouble with the Red Phone's ring tone, Dick accepts the call on his cellphone and transfers it to the Red Phone with a simple touch using the Smart House technology they have installed. The Chief tells the two that the US' relationship with Russia has been "too okay" as of late, which has nothing to do with the actual reason for his call: a serial killer on the loose in Washington, D.C. Sensing the urgency of the situation, Dick and Johnson choose their fastest mode of transport, a rocket. After eight hours of preparation, and a four minute literal ride on the rocket to the capitol, they parachute down, destroy the rocket so that its technology may not be recovered, and land in the National Mall amidst the falling debris of the explosion. They are expected by the Chief's agent, FBI profiler, and most definitely not-Russian-spy Clarice Starling. Starling informs them that the serial killer has been skinning their victims and plans to craft a parachute out of the human skin to then execute a suicide attack on the Capitol. Examining the killer's pattern of murders on a map, Dick, Johnson, and Starling find it to resemble a three-legged dog, which is also the name of a local college bar, and therefore the best next location to investigate. Arriving at the bar, they hold the bouncer at gun point for criticizing their choice of clothing and bully several rounds of free beer out of the bartender, which eventually leads to the police being called and the bar getting shut down for the night. While a very drunk Dick goes to relieve himself, Johnson and Starling interrogate the bartender and notice a suspicious barred up door. The two break the lock and find a set of stairs leading deep underground into an abandoned subway station. Dick catches up with them and they approach a train car, when Dick steps into a bear trap. As Johnson frees Dick, the train powers up and begins moving, while a mysterious figure is running back and forth inside it. Using a nearby handcar, the three give chase to the train, which is headed for the main subway system. They jump on board and find it filled with gore and blood-covered hooks and butcher tools. They are attacked by the serial killer, an insane man calling himself "the Paratrooper," who is in fact wearing his human skin parachute backpack, and shoots Clarice with a crossbow. As Dick and Johnson tend to the wounded Clarice, the Paratrooper uncouples the train cars to escape. Johnson holds the train cars together with his bare hands, while Dick removes the bolt from Clarice. A faster subway train approaches from behind, threatening to crash into them, as the three face off with the Paratrooper on the top of their train. The Paratrooper jumps off, falling to his death, but the second train is still closing in fast. The trio jumps onto the approaching train and Clarice shoots the car in front, which causes it to explode, freeing the path and preventing the collision. Having sustained severe injuries after falling during the final jump, Johnson is recovering in a hospital bed, Dick and Clarice are beside him. The Chief enters and congratulates them on the success of their mission and informs Clarice that she has been given a raise and access to even more sensitive government documents, which will help her in her work as totally-not-Russian spy.